Full disclosure, the decisions I made and the path I chose were not easy. It felt like the only way forwards though.
So why did I do this? I began gender change because staying male felt like suicide.
I couldn’t find myself, anything I wanted was out of reach and didn’t have friends, job or a partner. There seemed to be nothing going for me and I was staying alive just for other people. If I had found a way to learn to be a man that didn’t involve sport challenges or scientific pursuits, I’d have taken it up.
Previously I had tried Outward Bound when I was 18, and it was Hellish. That is all I can say about it.
I was 25 when I changed gender. My mum knew for quite a while before because I told her everything. Under her advice I told family and friends in a letter, that way they had time to process. And I think one member of my family is still processing now.
My Dad, I told first though. His response was “I thought he just liked playing with dolls” . We then wrote the letters. Because my old name was Lawrence Gareth, the new one was Bethany Lauren to help some of the family get used to it.
This was 2005, and I got my gender recognition certificate by deed poll. Apparently that document is not of much use now. I always looked feminine, so no one saw much difference.
Friends and family were happy to accept me as who I chose to be though. There were complications when it came to arranging surgery.
While the surgeon was happy for me to go ahead with it, there was a serious risk of me dying on the operating table due to having haemolytic anaemia and primary immunodeficiency.
I had already lost enough weight to have the surgery and gone through electrolysis to remove the body hair. I had to make a hard choice and realised I couldn’t risk my life for it.
Would I have found myself better as fully femme? I don’t know, but I am what I am. If you feel stuck in a rut find a way to change it.
Beth writes 