In summer, many Brits head outside
All happy, playing, and feeling alive,
While some, like me, choose to hide
In shade when sun is past 25.
“I’m melting “ I cry, out in the heat,
Needs more than water to fuel my thirst,
While English mad dogs are lining the street,
I have air con on till it’s past the worst.
I know this sounds a bit redundant, right? How do I even know you?
But here’s what I do know – everyone matters.
It’s hard to see this with our own eyes when we’ve been fed a lot of negativity and rejection, but it is true.
Even if you feel you aren’t achieving anything, you still matter.
I’ve seen a lot of the dark places where anxieties wreck the brain. I am still working my way through dark areas while others get along fine. Deep down, the message is there like a gentle whisper in the back of my mind, that I matter.
And that’s why I say you do too. We all matter, and none of us are alone as we feel.
If I asked others what their favourite thing about me was, I’d get different responses, and I am probably one of my worst critics.
Actually, I have two favourite thing s about myself – my energy for performing, and my creativity & imagination.
These are the things that have always stood out.
Without my writing stories from a young age my headmaster at junior school would never have seen my gift. He was so pleased that I got the school honour award. At the time I had just joined school late, after being put in a special needs class for a while. And I wasn’t like the other boys, didn’t have their energy. Discovering this gift meant I was recognised.
My writing and creativity won several other awards and recognitions during my childhood. Probably my proudest one was a large Blue Peter badge (which I sold ten years ago for £25 on Ebay).
With performing, I was able to show others what I could do. This still meant the other kids made life heck but also some of the teachers saw my gift.
So those are two of my favourite things about myself.
Full disclosure, the decisions I made and the path I chose were not easy. It felt like the only way forwards though.
So why did I do this? I began gender change because staying male felt like suicide.
I couldn’t find myself, anything I wanted was out of reach and didn’t have friends, job or a partner. There seemed to be nothing going for me and I was staying alive just for other people. If I had found a way to learn to be a man that didn’t involve sport challenges or scientific pursuits, I’d have taken it up.
Previously I had tried Outward Bound when I was 18, and it was Hellish. That is all I can say about it.
I was 25 when I changed gender. My mum knew for quite a while before because I told her everything. Under her advice I told family and friends in a letter, that way they had time to process. And I think one member of my family is still processing now.
My Dad, I told first though. His response was “I thought he just liked playing with dolls” . We then wrote the letters. Because my old name was Lawrence Gareth, the new one was Bethany Lauren to help some of the family get used to it.
This was 2005, and I got my gender recognition certificate by deed poll. Apparently that document is not of much use now. I always looked feminine, so no one saw much difference.
Friends and family were happy to accept me as who I chose to be though. There were complications when it came to arranging surgery.
While the surgeon was happy for me to go ahead with it, there was a serious risk of me dying on the operating table due to having haemolytic anaemia and primary immunodeficiency.
I had already lost enough weight to have the surgery and gone through electrolysis to remove the body hair. I had to make a hard choice and realised I couldn’t risk my life for it.
Would I have found myself better as fully femme? I don’t know, but I am what I am. If you feel stuck in a rut find a way to change it.
On November 15th An Almost Christmas Story landed on D+ in UK.
This is a heart warming, family friendly, engaging, 30 minute animation produced by Alfonso Cuaron and David Lowry, and with script/teleplay by Jack Thorne.
Most days animation is created through CGI and digital artwork.
What a nice surpise to find a more artistic, stopmotion, style being used. It made the adventure far more special and engaged my imagination.
It follows the tale of a baby owl, Moon, whose tree ends up in New York for Christmas. She soon meets a little girl, Luna, who has lost her mother near the Rockefeller Skating Rink. Both these figures need to find their way home.
As they journey, they are accompanied by funny pigeons and the music of a folk singer voiced by John C. Reilly.
So, for all the feels, and thoughts on Christmas and family, I would say give this film a watch.
Beth writes 